Stop 03 of 08
Visited Mom for the holidays and something is wrong: a two-day look-around that is honest without being an inspection
You visited Mom for the holidays and something is wrong. You cannot name it yet. The house was warm and the turkey was fine and there was a stack of mail behind the toaster and she called your daughter by your name twice. You have forty-eight hours before the flight home. This is how to spend them so that you leave knowing, and she does not feel searched.
The National Institute on Aging, in its advice on short visits, says to decide on your top priorities, which may mean reserving other tasks for a future visit, and then it says the thing that makes this page different from a checklist: because there is a lot to do during a short visit, it is easy to overlook simply spending time with the person. Two days. Half of it for looking. Half of it for her.
Before you land: two calls
The NIA suggests you talk to the person ahead of time and find out what they would like to do during your visit, and, if there is one, check with the primary caregiver to learn what they need. Both calls change the weekend. If she wants to go to the cemetery and the fabric store, that is your outing. If your brother, who lives twenty minutes from her, says he is worried about the car, the car goes to the top of the list and he gets Saturday afternoon off. You may be able to handle some of his caregiving responsibilities while you are in town, the NIA notes, and that is a gift you can give on a two-day trip that no phone call can.
Day one: four rooms and a driveway
- The car, from the driveway. Walk around it while you carry the bags in. New scrapes on the bumper corners, a mirror taped on, a dent she has not mentioned. Then ride with her somewhere short. Whether she should still be driving is a clinical question and belongs with her doctor. Whether the car is collecting damage is something you can see in ninety seconds and write down.
- The checkbook, at the kitchen table, with her. Not in secret. Ask if you can help her get the bills sorted before the year ends; most mothers will say yes to that phrasing. What you are looking for is the same bill paid twice, a bill not paid for three months, a charity she has never mentioned getting a check every month. If you are going to take any of this on from another state, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau's free guides for managing someone else's money explain what each role, from an agent under a power of attorney to a Social Security representative payee, is allowed to do.
- The bathroom, alone, for two minutes. The NIA's room-by-room advice is that many falls happen at home, and it recommends leaving a light on in the bathroom at night or using a night light that turns on automatically, with night lights and light switches close to the bed. Look for what she holds when she stands. A towel bar is not a grab bar. Note where a real one would go and whether the rug slides.
- The pantry and the refrigerator. The NIA's list of signs that an older adult may need help starts with the home: whether the person can prepare meals on a stove safely, whether the home is relatively clean and free of clutter, whether they have the medications they need and are taking them regularly. Dates on the milk. Six cans of the same soup. A pan with a black bottom. Look, and then cook dinner with her, because the pantry is also just a pantry.
Day two: one outing and one conversation
Take her somewhere she picked. Church, the fabric store, the cemetery, the grandchildren's favorite diner. You are not there to watch her; you are there to be with her. But you will see how she gets from the car to the door, whether she reaches for a railing, whether a curb makes her pause. The NIA reports that more than one in four people age 65 or older fall each year, and the risk of falling and fall-related problems rises with age. A pause at the curb is not a fall. It is a note for the folder.
Then, over coffee, the conversation. Let it start with her. The NIA's wording for the moment is the best there is: mention your worry without sounding critical, such as, "Mom, it looks like you don't have much food in the house. Are you having trouble getting to the store?" Then, it says, try to fulfill the person's wishes as far as possible and give specific examples of what can be done. One worry, one question, one offer. Not a list. Not "we need to talk about the future." If she wants to keep cooking, ask whether groceries delivered on Tuesdays would help. If she wants to keep the house, ask whether someone coming by two mornings a week would let her.
The NIA also says, of short visits, to try to make time for activities unrelated to being a caregiver, such as watching a movie, playing a game, enjoying music or taking a drive. Do that on the last evening. If the visit ends as an inspection, the next phone call will be a performance.
What to leave behind
Three pieces of paper, started, not finished. First, a list of numbers on the fridge and in a shared document on your phone: her doctor, her pharmacy, the neighbor with a key, the Area Agency on Aging that covers her ZIP, and you. The NIA recommends exactly that list of important phone numbers, kept in a shared document online and updated regularly. Second, the beginning of the conversation about who speaks for her if she cannot. The Missouri Bar publishes a free durable power of attorney for health care form and says you do not need a lawyer to complete it. You do not have to finish it this weekend. You have to open it. Third, permission. Ask her whether it is all right for the neighbor to call you if the garage door is open again, and whether it is all right for you to be on the phone at her next appointment. Those two yeses are worth more than any form.
The week after you fly home is when the house goes quiet again, and that is where the paid placement on this site honestly fits. New Plan Care, an independently owned non-medical in-home care company in Chesterfield, sends caregivers for the hours you cannot cover: a couple of mornings a week, a ride to the doctor, someone to cook the dinner you cooked together. It is a client of OwnersFirm, which publishes this site, and it pays to be named here. If two mornings a week would let her keep the house, Call (314) 405-0887 before you fly, or read what it does on the plane.
What to do tonight, the night before you fly home
- Write down what you saw, with dates, in one note on your phone. The scrape, the milk, the curb. Facts, not conclusions.
- Photograph the pill organizer, the front of the refrigerator and the list of numbers you taped up, so you have a Thursday baseline for Stop 02.
- Put the neighbor's number in your phone under her name, not theirs, so you find it at 2 a.m.
- Book the next visit before you leave and say the date out loud to her. The pin at the top of this page is for that.
When to ask the care team or the doctor
If the thing that is wrong is the twice she called your daughter by your name, or the story she told at dinner that she had told at lunch, this page can only tell you not to explain it away and not to explain it yourself. The Alzheimer's Association's page on early signs says that if you notice any of them, don't ignore them; schedule an appointment with your doctor, and that these are health concerns that should be evaluated by a doctor. The NIA adds that occasional forgetfulness is a normal part of aging, and that more significant memory problems could indicate a serious condition that requires medical attention. You do not get to decide which one this is. Her doctor does. Offer to make the appointment before you fly, and ask to be on speaker for it. The same goes for the car, the weight, and anything sore: seen by you, sorted by them.